It was surrender.
It was like giving way to possession. Giving way to a higher power. Allowing a spiritual force far greater than myself take control and command me.
He shrugged it off like a high school fantasy. But what did he know?
I was sunk.
Burned with holy fire.
And he could only dream it was just about him.
If it brings you peace, habibi, dream on.
And as if out of no where everything was shutting down.
I was again that child in the darkness, afraid of the void in every shadow. It had been months now since the deaths and I’d been coping.
I’d finally come out of my cave, felt like the world could live again. That I could be a part of it again. Seen beauty in the rising sun.
And now. Now.
Again I was a canoe in the middle of the sea. No land in sight. And who could say what slightest turbulence could send me under.
The plunge. The gulping. The cold. The dark.
And the knowledge. The knowledge I’d learned at age ten. Summer camp. Achievement awards.
You can’t deep water rescue a canoe without lifting it on top of another boat.