And what came of it was a muddled confusion. What does one do when one has seen what I have seen? How does one react to the life that I have seen? I could just as easily let him go. Turning my pillows and blankets and the thoughts of it in my head. I remembered I’d died for love before, and it had been far worse. I remembered the poison I’d drunk for love before. It had been far worse. The one I’d let go was happy now. Married now. And you’d think it’d make me sad. But knowing it makes me happier than I’d have been if he’d chosen me. Knowing it warms my heart deep down. I’d only ever wanted the best for him, and I’d thought that the best was me. And now I know better.
So, I could just as easily let him go. Was he any different than the first? Someone I’d love from a distance, but I could never really heal?
If only I just didn’t have the eyes to see it. If only I were blind like the rest of the world. If only I couldn’t see past the glamour. If only I could see him radiant like the sun, like he wanted everyone to believe. If only I could lie to myself and believe that he was happy. If only I could tell myself there was nothing I could do. If only I could be blind and not see that he is lonely. If only I could lie and say he doesn’t feel like it’s all caving in. If only I didn’t have eyes to see. If only this love could be blindness. For it is the seeing that breaks my heart.