Dead Reckoning

I mentioned in class that I’d written a ten page climax for this next week’s chapter. I plan to edit it and see what I can do with the length, but I was asked to post it unedited. Here it is. Tell me what you think. I’m currently working on looking up some things for historical accuracy, honestly it’s extremely difficult to get your hands on basic information about Victorian society unless you are looking up the upper crust!

I woke up with a jumpy feeling Friday morning. I expected Frederick to propose. Each one of his letters had been increasingly sincere, increasingly earnest. While I honestly felt the sincerity too sudden, I had known plenty of people to become engaged quickly and yet marry into a healthy relationship. I tended toward caution, but perhaps he was merely one of those swifter types.

 

However normal it might be, however often we wrote each other, I had only seen him in person twice. To me, what I knew of his public reputation was not enough. What I had read in his many letters was not enough. Only his demeanor face-to-face could determine true his character.

 

“Ella,” Isabella sat next to me at breakfast. “You’ve hardly eaten a bite.”

 

“My stomach is uneasy today.” I replied.

 

“Love sick?”

 

“Or stressed.” I replied. I’d been in love before and I knew my usual physical reactions. I would be shaky and short-of-breath. But not sleeping or eating with a complaining stomach? This had never happened to me before. It wasn’t from an overly tight corset either, in fact my stomach felt better when I put on the corset this morning.

        I made petty mistakes all day as I worked. Though I felt excited and happy, it was a little forced. I knew that I should be excited and happy, but in the pit of my stomach I felt stressed and frightened. The more I thought of it, the more I expected it. “I’ll ask your mother’s permission.” When he said that I’d assumed he meant about the opera, but he could have asked for my hand.

 

“Ella,” My mother tapped my shoulder.

 

“Yes?” I turned to look up from my sewing machine.

 

“You can finish up for today. I’ve had an early dinner made for you. You’re Aunt Louisa is coming over shortly to help you get ready, and of course to chaperone you.”

 

“Thank you!” I smiled gratefully as I rose from my chair. At least my mother’s great concern over my courtship made her give me special consideration.

 

My stomach felt uneasy as I ate my porridge. I tried to down the whole bowl, but I couldn’t manage the last few bites. Holding my stomach awkwardly I walked to the washroom. I remembered throwing up out of stress before I’d seen someone once about a year back. I found myself doing the same again. It was mild, not the way it feels when you have a virus, but I still felt shaky and weak afterwards.

 

Aunt Louisa arrived as I had made my way to my room. Mother had laid her gown out on the bed for me. It was indeed lovely.

 

“Ella!” Aunt Louisa embraced me warmly. “It’s good to see you again!”

 

“Good to see you too!” I smiled at her, and then began taking off my work dress.

 

“Let me tighten up your corset a bit for that dress.”

My heart warmed around her. “Thank you. I’m glad you could come. Goodness knows how many times you’ve been my support and stay during courtships.” I laughed, “You’ve saved me from so many awkward moments, or helped me to have a private word if I needed one.”

 

“Oh Ella, I’m just sorry I can’t be around you more often.” She gave the corset strings one last tug and tied them. “I wish we could arrange our schedules better, but your work is one of heavy hours, and my children need me.”

 

“As much as I don’t mind my work,” I paused as I found my way through the deep red silk of the gown. “I do wish we could spend more time together.” I adjusted the cloth over my crinoline in the front and Aunt Louisa tidied the bustle and managed the buttons.

 

“Well,” she sat me down in a stool before the dresser. “You can always write me.” She carefully put up my hair for me. “You look lovely. Now close your eyes.”

 

I heard the rattle of beads and felt them against my neck.

 

“Pearls for a beautiful lady,” She stood back and looked at me with a warm smile. “Now, I do believe I hear carriage wheels!”

 

“Oh, my lady!” Frederick exclaimed as I came into the street. “You look beautiful!” He bowed.

 

“My Aunt Louisa,” I motioned toward her.

 

“What an honor!” He bowed and kissed her hand.

 

“The pleasure is mine,” She passed a glance at me and we laughed internally.

 

As we entered the theatre he took my arm. Leaning a bit close to me he said in an undertone, “Indeed, your fashion taste is most interesting. I cannot wait to see more.”

 

I smiled at him, and probably thanked him. But I remember feeling a cold insecurity. The comment could have been harmless enough, but it also could have meant something inappropriate. His manner of speech hinted at no innocence.

 

As I expected, he treated me with utmost gentility through the evening. I gaped as he led me to a box seat. True it was one toward the back, and certainly not the best in the house, but I knew it must have been quite a feat to attain these tickets.

 

“Of course I provide you with only the best,” his little smirk attempted to smooth over my shock.

In spite of my best attempts to show interest in the opera I found it dull. We watched each other in sideways glances, but a number of times I found him blatantly gazing at me. At last I leaned towards him and spoke in a low whisper.

“Do you expect me to sit completely composed with you staring at me so?”

 

“I won’t stare at you,” he gave me a smile he meant to be most reassuring, but somehow I doubted him.

 

At intermission he took me downstairs to a parlor of the common guests. I say common. It was the parlor for those of the working class, but of course was quite fine.

 

“Let me provide you with refreshments,” Frederick vanished from us as we entered the room.

 

I felt strangely out of place. I had never been with such people before. As much as my mother’s family had once been in this rank before hard times had come, and I had come on the arm of a successful man, I didn’t feel completely comfortable. Almost every woman or girl in fancy attire compares herself to the others in the room, and none of them judge lightly. I didn’t particularly care for their approval, but it brought a bit of tension.

 

“Mrs. Davidson,” Frederick was offering Aunt Louisa refreshments as she sat on a couch a yard from where I stood. They conversed for a moment but the noise in the room averted my hearing.

 

“My dear,” he came to my side and offered a small plate. “Enjoy yourself.”

 

“Ah, I confess I find myself unable to eat this evening.” I smiled at him, a laugh playing on my lips.

 

“Why?” He raised an eyebrow.

 

“You know my stomach grows uneasy if I’m tense. But really, do you expect me to eat in front of you?” My laugh broke, and then I spoke in an undertone. “I vomited at dinner.”

 

“Well, I too am in a rather excited state, but I can at least eat.” He popped a tart into his mouth.

 

I watched him as he stood there nonchalantly munching. I wondered when he would propose. He could have just been asking Aunt Louisa for a private audience. But we began heading to our seats before he had said anything. I felt relieved in a way, but at the same time had the urgent feeling that I wanted him to get it over with. As I thought he paused and led me into a side gallery. Aunt Louisa stayed out in the hall. Everything I had been mulling over for the past week would suddenly be decided.

 

“Ella, my darling,” Frederick knelt and took my hands. “Beloved, beautiful lady. I would be honored, overwhelmed, if you would do me the great honor of marrying me.”

“I-” nothing came out. The past hour had been saying yes, but suddenly I felt wholly confused and wanted to say no. “Oh, please! Do excuse me! Pray forgive! May I have the rest of the evening to think on it?”

 

His face fell, but me smoothed it as he rose to his feet. “Of course my dear. you may have all the time you need.” He gently led me out of the room with his hand around my back.

 

I shifted tensely as I listened to the shrill voices of the singers. Opera indeed was not my taste. Frederick was still gazing at me. I nervously glanced in the direction of Aunt Louisa. Concealing my alarm at seeing her dozing off, I quietly moved from my seat to wake her. She had never fallen asleep on such an occasion before. But as I rose, Frederick stood up and pulled me to the back of the box.

 

“Have you decided?” He leaned close to me.

 

“Yes,” I whispered sharply. But before I had any time to declare my intentions he had pulled me into a kiss.

 

My memory here is a mixture of blur and complete clarity. I can remember almost every detail of some moments, and hardly anything else of others.

 

He had cornered me in the back of the box. He had one arm around me, the other on the wall, and the shadows concealed us completely.

 

Whatever doubt in my mind that had been there before vanished. When he at last gave me a moment’s breathe I gasped. “No! The answer is no!”

 

He drew his face back from me a bit, but did not pull back his arms. “No? No? After all that I offer you? When I invite you to a world that no one else could give you?”

 

No one else can give me? Who does he think he is?

 

“Why do you refuse me?” he continued, growing a bit heated. “Have I not filled your every passionate desire of your heart?”

I grabbed for an answer, my mind had become scattered and frantic. “It is not right! I feel unsafe!” I felt completely idiotic.

“Oh, but God predestine’s our every action. If He lets it happen, it must be right.”

His perversion of scripture horrified me.

“What? Were David and Bathsheba right?” I gasped at him.

“How can something that makes you feel this good be bad?” He leaned in and stole another kiss.

I winced backward. “No. No.”

“Oh, shame shame on you Ella. Shame that you refuse such a perfect match. I’d wanted to keep you all for myself, but you’ll bring in plenty of money as you are.”

I remember thanking the strangeness of society for the safety of that corset as he drew his arms around me.

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4 thoughts on “Dead Reckoning

  1. one word: EEEEEEK!!!

    other than that, it was nicely written. =) great emotions–i could feel her confusion during it all, especially before the opera. the part where you said that her memory was fuzzy on some instances and clear on others was a really nice touch. that feeling is very true for the adrenalin that she would have been experiencing. great job, myra-frances!

    and by the way, i’m still convinced that frederick has slicked-back hair. =)

    • Thanks!
      lol, did I tell you he has a buzzed head? He has hair, but it’s super super short. So… it’s kinda close to the slicked back look. hehe.
      Yeah, I did the adrenaline thing because that’s how I’ve remembered things in like circumstances. It’s interesting that there are things that your brain chooses not to remember…
      Anyway, I’ll be posting the final draft shortly. 😀

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