Writing Journal 1

“My soul fainteth for thy salvation: but I hope in thy word. Mine eyes fail for thy word, saying, When wilt thou comfort me? For I am become like a bottle in the smoke; yet do I not forget thy statutes.” Psalm 119: 81-83

These verses strike me the most out Psalm 119. So often I feel completely filled with a longing that cannot be satisfied. I long to be with Jesus, not merely in spirit, but in flesh. C. S. Lewis said, “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” Sometimes my longing drives me to great lengths. Growing up I went to a Christian summer camp where I vividly experienced the presence of God. After being gone for many years, I found myself pining to go back. All that I could explain to myself was simply that I long for God. I longed to go back so that I could feel his presence. When did go back I wasn’t fully satisfied. I realized then that only in heaven will I fully be satisfied. It gives me great comfort to know that David felt exactly the same.


My God, Abide With Me

My God, Abide With Me

My God, my God! When will you save?

Make every effort to rescue me!

Many are the tears that fall for want of help.

May your comfort come quickly.

Masquerading as whole will not heal me.

Manifest your promised consolation to me.

More than the stars are your mercies.

Magnify me, that I might be consoled.


You have promised never to forsake.

Yea, you have said you will not rejectme.

Years have passed and you have not abandoned me.

Yet where can I find your presence? Have you gone?

Yield to my cry for your aid! Do not turn away!

Yearning fills the depths of my soul, because of your absence.

Your promises feel far beyond my reach.

Yahweh, do not leave me!

Romance my wandering heart, Oh God.

Rule the stumbling wars of my spirit.

Rebuke my sin.

Refuse to let me stray.

Reclaim the wayward courses of my heart.

Renew the filthy recesses of my soul.

Resonate within me, that I may not falter.

Regenerate me so that I blunder no more.

Abide with me in my sorrows,

Are you not a God who is ever present?

Arise, Oh God, and come to me.

Aidme, for you have promised to reside with me.

Accept my cry for your attendance!

Assist me, and stay at my side.

Allow me to ever be beside you.

Adorn me with the gift of your company.

Justify the righteous, Oh God!

Judge the nations of evil!

Join together your forces to eradicate the wicked.

Jeer at the annihilation of the false.

Jilt their pleasures.

Jealousy corrupts them. Condemn it!

Jesus, crush the heads of the sinful!

Jehovah, bring peace by exorcizing the malicious.

On the wicked bring judgment.

Order the wayward peoples to be cast down.

Obliterate the vile.

Offend the malicious.

Overthrow their vicious crimes.

Overwhelm the forces of evil.

Obey the Lord, ye perverse nations.

Observe the destruction of sinners.

How long will I wait for your favor?

Have my sins pushed away your compassion?

Hath not the Lord promised to forgive?

He has promised to forebear.

Hear my cry in your kindness!

Heal me out of your wondrous mercies.

Help me! For you are a gracious God.

Hope in the benevolence of the Lord.

Nothing satisfies my yearning.

No amount of tears will quench my longing.

Never will my zeal find respite.

None of my pleasures will satiate my desires.

Neither assuage the thirst in my heart.

Nor do the comforts of my friends quiet the cries within me.

Not even my prayers content me.

Night replaces my craving to be fulfilled.

Surely the Lord is not too far to rescue!

So many cry out to be unchained!

Save us, Oh God!

Send help to us.

Sin strangles our efforts.

Sever our bonds!

Set us free!

Show us your promised redemption.

Touch the weak out of your compassion.

Tender, are the ways of the Lord.

Tremendous, is the amount of his kindness.

Teach us gently to walk in your way.

Thy mercies are many to behold.

The sweetness of the Lord is astonishing.

Too many to number, are his blessings.

Tell the nations of his glorious care!

Oh God, pour out your blessing upon this starving world.

Open the floodgates of heaven. Rain mercies on the land.

Overflow miracles in the land of the righteous.

Observe our sorrows and rescue us!

Old and young, hearten alike.

Only you can fulfill the needs of mankind.

Of all the places to turn, you only can satisfy.

Oblige the calls of your people to save them.

New sorrows afflict your children each morn.

Needy ones cry out.

Nurse the wounds of your creatures.

Narcissism encircles us and tempts us.

Nihilism calls to our weakness.

Noiselessly, troubles assail them.

Now come lift the burdens of your people.

Nobly, you will banish our toils.

The Shoe

I didn’t think about why it was called “The Shoe” for a very long time. I just took it in and accepted it as a weird thing. Someone would name their house? Ok. Then I was thinking about it one day when I visited. They had seven children. Wait, the shoe… that meant… Oh yes.

“There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn’t know what to do. . .”

Right. That was why it was called “The Shoe”

I still forget from time to time and have to think a minute before it all comes back.

It’s like another grandparent’s home in some far off nostalgic way. They aren’t old enough to be my grandparents. They are more than twenty years too young. But they are far enough removed from me to feel old and wise. Not that I think of them as decrepit or crazy, the way that the term “old” usually means. I mean old in the way that you think of an old book. There are definitely things that were once in a little better condition, but nothing about a new book can compare at all.

There was some kind of deja vu in that house. It reminded me of my grandparents house. I would stand in the staircase and look over all the pictures. They were photos of the family, people I knew, some of them I didn’t. It was funny, to see how they reminded me of my parents, and yet some of their children reminded me of my parents. Their grandchildren were the ones I felt were most like me.

It was odd. I felt like they were my grandparents, but they weren’t. They were Tucker’s grandparents. Of course, they had plenty of grandchildren besides Tucker, but they were all children. Something about Tucker stood apart from all the others. Maybe it was that he and I had some kind of bond. Perhaps it was simply that he was the oldest. But I could sense that he had passed the divide between child and adult. He wasn’t fully an adult, he was really just a young teen, but he was grown-up. He just felt like he belonged in a way that none of the other grandchildren did. He was one of those people that felt like family.

What was it that made us feel like family? What made me feel like they were my grandparents? What made me feel like I was at home in their house? Was it the odd collection of things and pictures all over the place, some gathering dust just like at my grandparents house? Was it the way they included me in their dinner table conversations as if the 50 years between our ages didn’t exist? Was it the way they were kind? Was it how they always extended a standing invitation? Was it that we could joke and be serious in the same sentence and not blink twice? Was it that our parents had known each other as long as I could remember? Or were we actually related in a way we didn’t know?

I doubt I will ever be able to answer, but I know I will always feel as if we are related.

Because at “The Shoe” I am home.